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A few inspirational quotes, sermon illustrations, jokes and humor
from Internet Nuggets

 

A WISE WOMAN:  A Woman walked into a bank in NewYork City and asked for the loan officer. She said she was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer said the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman handed over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.  Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.  An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.  Two weeks later, the woman returns, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.  The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"  The woman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?" 

POWER FAILURE:  A True Story - Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a young woman, new to boating was having a problem.  No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.  It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina.  Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.  The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer. 

GOOD BRAINS:    In the hospital in San Antonio, Texas, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.  "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one is a brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."  The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.  At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for a male brain."  The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the woman, but some actually smirked.  A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is a male brain so much more?"  The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure.  We have to mark the female brains down because they've been used!" 

YOUTH:  A young woman reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes\no" type questions.  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for heads and No for Tails.  Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.  "I finished the exam in half an hour.  But I'm rechecking my answers." 

MARRIAGE:  A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl.  His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium.  As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.  He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.  The man replied, "No."  Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"  The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat.  We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."  "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"  "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral." 

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)  Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a  nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.  One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.  The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.  When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.  When she reached back to find out what it was, she  felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. 

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